12/20/2023
6:16 PM
Long rushing days and slow evenings that disappear in a blink, sending one back to the first light of morning, may not be so bad. I may have a chance at life if I stay, if I remain a thorn in its side and it in mine. I have uncovered my issue. Reached a conclusion: I live in moments, and those moments drag as long as I think of them, but that simply means that I will be pushed back to the edge of existence once they are over. I will stand idle in mediocrity -not the beautiful kind- and I will rot away until I glimpse my soul coming to play from the horizon (to amuse myself, I sometimes imagine it left in the first place because it settled somewhere nicer, or did not feel like settling at all. I cannot resent it for that, but it does weight on me to think myself unfit for harbouring a soul).
Today all I did was wait for tomorrow. I failed to enjoy the sunlight for more than a few minutes, and perhaps I did enjoy it long enough but that satisfaction disappeared when the moment ended. I forgot the good feeling. It is terrifying the more I sit with it, the fact that once I am no longer experiencing something I will never recall what it felt like before. If memory is the self then I am no one, at least not beyond a couple years. And what do I do if I want to keep going? What to do when I am no longer too busy for feeling? Do I keep whatever is dear to me glued to my side and then get emptied out by grief when it isn't there anymore? What is permanent and consuming enough to hold me down long enough?
Tomorrow I will not even think of today. I will not think of myself for a second even if everything I do is for her sake. I will not think until I reach somewhere where I can find her, or where she will forgive me enough to come back. I'm exhausted.
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